Friday, December 19, 2008

Mom, what's a Sex Shop?

Just the other night, after telling my kids to go to bed, I began tidying the house a bit so I could relax.

He Who Must Not Be Named (HWMNBN) has labeled this fit of cleaning anxiety "Mom's in a mood"'

...but I just call it "I can't relax if their is shit all over the place, because I'll keep thinking about it until I clean it up"

Anyways...I was organizing the mess on the coffee table, stacking, arranging, throwing away etc. I moved on to the kitchen, putting a few things in the sink and straightening the counters.

Then, in a last fit effort to "relax" I stopped by the bathroom where I found my latest copy of Vanity Fair sitting on the counter.

The magazine on the counter was not a problem (as was the toothpaste which was inevitably left capless and the little remnants of HWMNBN's morning shave that were all over the place) I mean, there is always a magazine or two (or ten) in the bathroom but this one was open to an article about a Sex and the City Tour through New York.

The page which was on display, was one that I recalled folding over and reading earlier in the day (yes folks, I read in the loo).

The article itself was pretty bland but there was a large cartoon of a woman and large bold text saying "WE PULL UP TO A SEX SHOP. THERE'S A BUZZ OF ANTICIPATION".

My first thought was:

"Great, Momo used this bathroom today...I wonder if she read the article???"

My second thought was:

"Oh well, if Momo did read the article, she'll probably ask me about it later and I'm sure it'll be a hilarious conversation" ...

You see, Momo just finished a Sex Ed class at her school and since then we have been having some great conversations about...well...SEX!

In all honesty, I thought the class would be some "this is your body", "you will begin to menstruate", "stay away from boys", abstinence only type program, and to be honest, that sort of turned me off.

I mean, I want Momo to know about her body and to stay sex free for as long as she can, but as a former sex educator, I wanted her to learn about how to take care of herself, how to be safe and most of all, to know that there was someone out there that she could talk to about this stuff (be it me or her teacher or some other responsible adult).

Funny thing is, I was not quite as prepared for Momo learning about sex as I thought I had been...

My first notion of just how unprepared I was, came when I was tucking her in one night and I made a little joke about the baby in my tummy (I'm not pregnant, but I was very full from dinner and developed a pooch). Anyhow, We all laughed at the joke then this conversation ensued:

Momo: (very seriously) Dad, I do not want a baby brother or sister, so when you use a condom, make sure to squeeze the air out of the tip okay? Otherwise some sperm could get out.

HWMNBN: (mortified and turning to walk out of the room, looks back and says), "Okay Momo, I'll make sure to squeeze the tip"

Me: Wow, Momo, did you learn that in Sex Ed?

Momo: Yeah, we're learning a lot of stuff...I just wished that kid didn't ask that one question...

Me: What question?

Momo: Oral sex...It's really gross!

Honestly, I don't remember what happened next...I think I said, yeah that's kinda gross but I really can't be sure I didn't fall on the floor and die for a minute... I mean, I'm glad that Sex Ed isn't about chastity belts and promise rings... and avoiding the reality of teenagehood in the year 2008, but my Momo is only 11.

Anyways, few nights later, also at bed time, this conversation took place:

Momo: Mom, is it true that boys ejaculate in their sleep when they have "the dream"?

Me: (cracking up, because I knew my hubby would be mortified by this) "I don't know, ask daddy if he has ever had "the dream"

Momo: Well dad...did you ever have "the dream" where it makes you ejaculate in your sleep?

HWMNBN: (mortified and turning to walk out of the room, looks back and says) "Yeah Momo, but it usually only happens to boys when they are young...teenagers, I mean.

Momo: Does it happen to Mango?

Me: Probably. (Yelling playfully to Mango who is washing his face in the bathroom) Does is ever happen to you?

Mango: What?

Me: Say yes.

Mango: Yes...wait, what did I say yes too?

At this point Momo and I are cracking up, then she tells Mango what we were talking about he looks at us, walks to his room and says:

Mango: "Oh my guys are so weird"

Momo: "But does it happen?"

Mango: (Walking into his room, shutting the door) "yes..."

Believe me, it was a hilariously funny conversation and at the same time, very heartwarming (not the talk of wet dreams but the bonding). I mean, I think the biggest lesson learned from all this is that even though I wasn't totally ready for Momo to be learning about squeezing the tip of a condom, or what oral sex is...I am totally cool with the fact that both of my kids feel like they can talk to me about anything!


  1. That is so awesome. Not only was your little "family talk" hilarious, but I compliment you on being brave enough to have such discussions with your kids. I know we have quite some time before Destructor is ready for "the talk," but I hope we can be as frank and relaxed as you are. You're my new hero.

    Oh, and my meme is done! Yeah! It only took all day! ;)

  2. Oh, goodness, I'm cracking up over this!! But as I'm laughing my butt off (I wish it worked like that!) I'm so glad you are able to have such conversations. Hurrah for you and kuddos to your kids for asking and answering!! I'm a retired social worker, and let me tell you ..... I'm sure you can imagine the stories I could fill in here, but it isn't necessary. You already know it!


  3. lol I was cracking up reading this! But also feeling mortified along with you! lol

  4. Tell her she's doomed. I never grew into my feet; the damn things kept growing with me!

  5. I came here from OHMommy's blog and I must say that I am writing all of this down when I have to deal with it, I will refer back. You handled it extremely well, bravo mama!

  6. Courntey - Thanks for the kudos but blease keep in mind that my kids a weird...not all 11 year old kids ask about oral sex, wetdreams and squeexing condom tips!

  7. HA! i almost pissed my pants... seriously!! what a GREAT convo, i dont know how in the heck you done it, i would have been laughin my every lovin' butt off!! love your blog... am gonna add you to my blogroll!!


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